Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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