he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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