i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
