wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
