Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
