So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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