Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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