I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
