Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
