can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
