I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
