What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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