White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
