There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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