Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
