well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
