Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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