I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
