Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
