It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
