I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
