I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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