When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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