how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i came on her dog
I don't deserve a penis
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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