I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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