Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
