i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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