70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
