My friends, they love my intelligence
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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