If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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