So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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