Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
