I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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