soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
