he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
