I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
