Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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