dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
