she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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