He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
