the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
