Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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