I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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