so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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