is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
