Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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