If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize