I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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