I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
