areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
