I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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