glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
