I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
