So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
